Make Up My $@%M Mind

Around the house, I am known for my 'waffling' skills.  And, I'm not talking about making breakfast.  I wrestle with decisions and weigh the pros and cons back and forth, upwards and down.  I'm not particularly dumb nor am I overly bright.  But I waffle with making choices sometimes.  In my quest to become more self-aware, I have been trying to get to the crux of this habit.

I think I've found the reason and it's not what I thought it was.  I have learned over the years that I need to rush to admit my mistakes and my faults.  If I can take ownership before someone else can claim these things and use them as ammunition against me, then I am in blissful self-preservation mode.  So it's not a matter of pride.  And, I long ago realized the value of just committing to something and dealing with shortcomings as needed.

However, if I purposely and maliciously made a choice that adversely affected someone I love, it would bring to life one of my worst fears.   I see constant instances where people act without consideration of the impact their choices may have on others.  Addicts (alcohol, gambling, shopping, drugs) drain family resources, employees collect paychecks and let their colleagues do the brunt of the work, parents neglect their children.  Pick what you find to be uncaring and crude in our culture.  Add them to my list.

I think I think too much....and when I do that, I have a track record of doing stuff I don't really want to do just for the benefit to someone important to me.  It's my gesture of love and devotion.   And those are the kinds of decisions I want to make easily and without the waffle issue.   I'm getting too old to waste time worrying about this.

I'm going to start shucking the stuff that doesn't feel comfortable...Those painful but expected rituals like buying a gift for the neighbor's fifth wedding shower.  The obligatory greeting to the person you know has stabbed you in the back but your friend says they're nice.  Sugar-coating the severity of someone's hurtful actions just to make them feel better about themselves.

So, I shall decide to not be so indecisive.  Is that too selfish for a middle-aged gal with eccentric tendencies toward being anti-social and needing way too many shoes?  I'm making up my mind..."I really don't care where we eat on date night honey", and I mean it!