Ban The Holiday Season...A Bad Idea Saved By Fred

Walking uphill to explore Baker Creek Seed Company.  This was our last family trip, the original five of us. 
Dad didn't really feel like going but he did it for us.  That's the example I remember so fondly. 
You do things for your people.

Cancel it all this year, I said adamantly weeks ago. I don't want to do anything for the holidays. No turkey, no Christmas tree, no presents. No cleaning up before and after. But, Fred knows that I really would never abandon family tradition. I just needed a reminder of how important the family is...and that life goes on. So needless to say, with Fred's insistence, we're having some holiday festivities soon!
Next week as our families celebrate Thanksgiving, I will dig my father's plaid shirt out from the closet and wear it all weekend. And, I will feel lost. I will sit and stare at the blue cotton fabric. And, I will feel loved. I will tinker with the buttons and snap in and out of holiday seasons when we were all still together. Then I will tell myself how lucky I am to have such awesome family members.
By request from people I love, and to show my immense affection for them, I will bake. And bake, And bake. Peanut Butter Pie, Brandy Pecan Pie, Rum Cake, Chocolate Pie....and I am so excited to learn of a local source for fresh farm eggs again. It's the secret to a really good tasting pie or quiche. And I will drink lots of strong coffee because I am my father's daughter.
When the kids laugh and run through the house, I will know it was the right thing to do. And, I will remember Daddy was always with his family first and foremost. He expected us to go on with everything---gathering to be thankful...So we will gather together because it is a way to show our love for each other.
As the plates are loaded in the dishwasher and all the serving bowls are put away, I will feel content and walk out on the porch or patio to get some fresh air and look up to the sky. And, I will hope my work was perceived as given from the heart and in honor of family.
Holidays are just different now. I'm even more eccentric that before. I need to feed everyone pie just in case it's the last time I get to do it. I need to hug them before they travel home. In amongst the uncertainty of life, my holiday armor (in form of a faded blue, button-down, plaid shirt) gives me courage necessary for Thanksgiving. Courage to talk about my dad to people who also miss him, to laugh about things he might say were he here, and to not be sad on a day there's too many things for the 'blessings we have received this year' list.
Now, back to Fred. He is a wonderful spouse who can see when I am sinking and will do something to turn around the situation before I fall off into oblivion. For example, since he wanted a Christmas tree, he went to all the trouble of getting the tree down from the attic storage. Yesterday he picked up a new tree topper with beautiful snowflake patterns. Today he brought home fresh mistletoe & we have a few holiday decorations out already to make the home look festive.(Probably all we're going to do!) I may not be trying to ban the holidays anymore - but I am definitely cutting way back on the extras.
If there's a morale to this story, it's to embrace what you are feeling and find a way to use it for fuel to power the success/solution. Daddy didn't coin the phrase but he used to often say "Work smarter, not harder." And he seldom gave up on solving anything. He was always thinking, building strategy, posing solutions to problems I hadn't even thought about yet. So, I am rocking the 2019 holidays by leveraging my emotion into courage and reflection. Those things are going to lead me to all the right feels, to cook and enjoy time with family; some memories are sure to be made! Perhaps my tiny little heart will grow a bit more (Ref;Grinch) and my broken heart will heal some too, especially if that mistletoe works.
Happy Holidays....Merry Christmas to everyone and if you have any suggestions, please feel free to share. I know I am not the only one who feels sort of like this sometimes when it comes to managing grief.